Today I am coming to you from a place where I need to be freed from, a place of deep hurt.  I am talking about loosing somebody close to you. Even though you know you will be reunited with them at some stage, the hurt and missing just doesn't go away.  I also know from my intuition that my dad needs me to let go of him for him to find complete peace and happiness in the afterlife.  There is nothing I want more, but I just can't let go of the missing part at all.

I received the following scripture today, which lead me to the thought for this blog today.  I miss my dad every day the whole day, but receiving this scripture, which my father received from our priest on his deathbed, makes it clear that it is time to clear my mind about this.  In the process I might just help somebody else dealing with the same hurt and struggle of acceptance of this specific challenge we all have to face in our lives at some stage or other.

On 11 July 2011, after 10 years of fighting the dreaded disease...cancer..., my father past away.  It was the hardest day of my entire life.  My words or little white lie to him, saying that he should go where he could be healthy again, without all of the pain and the suffering with his Heavenly Father.  He was in a coma already, but when I spoke to him or whispered in his ear he reacted by pressing my hand.  I told him that he should not worry about me I would be fine without him.  Nothing can or could have been further from the truth...

I had such a severe migraine that whole day, but nothing could get me away from there.  I just had to be with him.  I have never had a problem with sweating in my life.  Eventually, I could not tolerate the smell of the fluid that I was sweating on that day anymore.  I was scared to leave and just go take a shower get dressed in something fresh and come back.  The oncologist also told me that they mostly just wait until they are alone and then they pass over.  I had all of this in the back of my mind, but I also knew that I would not be able to drive after he had gone and I came to the hospital alone, so I needed to get the car home and also take my mother home who also is sickly and could not stand up straight anymore.  This after 12 hours next to his bed, knowing that this is it...this is the end.  She said her goodbye and we left for home.  I showered as quickly as I could and my husband was speeding us to the hospital, when the dreaded call came.  He had passed.

All of a sudden the going through the motions even though I don't know how to deal with it anymore, turned into the deepest pain I had ever experienced in my life.  It felt as if my whole heart had been ripped out of my body.  We arrived at the hospital shortly after his death and he was still warm.  I sat there holding his had until he was cold and then my husband told me that he though we should now leave him in peace.  I just couldn't tear myself away from him.  I knew his soul had left his body and the essence of him was no longer there, but the familiarity of his body just kept me there...holding his hand.  I had never seen a corpse in my life, but to me this was not a corpse...this was my father, my loving, special father, whom I adored even more than I even knew.  I was literally dragged away like a person that could not move by myself anymore.  We were standing outside saying goodbye to friends and the car was parked in front of the window of his hospital room.  I have no idea how long we were outside before we left, because I could see his body through the window and I was just focused on him.

Then came the numbness...the absolute numbness of feeling absolutely nothing...just nothing.  I sat in my parent's home with my mother and sister and I felt like I was not there.  I couldn't feel anything, because I was afraid that if I felt anything I would not be able to bare it.  Eventually I fell asleep that night, from pure and utter exhaustion.

The following morning I became obsessed.  Obsessed to give him the funeral that I believed he would want.  The right coffin, the right flowers, the music and scripture he wanted.  I wrote a eulogy for him, I went through millions of photographs and picked only the best ones.  This would keep me up until 3am in the mornings and make me fall asleep easily from exhaustion.

You might think that I am crazy, but the day before the funeral I became exited about the opportunity of viewing him before the funeral.  I was exited to be with him again, to see him again and to have him removed from that cold impersonal morgue.  He had a bunch of dried small roses he loved because it came from his brother when he was already very ill and I placed it in his hand.  He looked so peaceful...not as sick as the last time I saw him.  He had his favourite clothes on that was very carefully picked and he looked every bit as dashing and stunning as he always looked when he was still alive.

Then they closed the coffin!!!! and my world fell apart....I knew this was it...I would never ever see him again.  I went into feeling nothing mode again...numbness, just numbness, the tears came and I cried from my soul, but it felt like it was not me experiencing these feelings....inside I was NUMB to the core.  The funeral was everything I hoped it would be and then the dealing with I am still alive and my dad isn't anymore started to kick in.  I was in this phase for about 2 weeks, of not knowing how to just be alive without him in my life.  I felt it was unfair...now both of my fathers, my Heavenly Father and my biological father are in heaven and I still have to deal with life and all reality of not having him here for the first time in my 40 years of life.

Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer and a week later my sister as well and the natural process of grieving made way for the "I am glad he is not alive to have to deal with it" phase.  Well the numbness helped me quite a bit through the breast cancer experience that I am still currently in, because that sword over your head just never goes away.

My father requested that his ashes should be laid to rest with his father in Germany.  Due to me and my sister's many, many operations we were only able to go and make this wish a reality in July 2012.  Another funeral, this time with his family.  All I could think about was that I was leaving him behind so far away from me.  Not even his ashes would be close to me anymore.  This funeral stretched over a full day and by the end of it, I could not stand up straight anymore.  I was diagnosed with depression at some or other stage in this experience and was receiving medication.  I was told that depression was not a sign of weakness, but it was actually a sign of trying to be to strong for to long.

I have changed my outlook quite a bit since then.  I try and be happy as much as I can every day even with life's little trials and tribulations and I try to just keep my eye on our Heavenly Father and I have been able to bring back a spark to my life, but just writing this made me realise...the hurt still remains...the missing part is still there...I have not let go fully so that he can rest in peace.  Do you have any advise, because I sure could use it.  My angels constantly tell me to let the past be and to look to a happy here and now.  With their help I do manage to do that.  But a small thing like the scripture on my Facebook page...triggers all of this again.  How do you move beyond something like this?  Is it even possible?  I don't know?  I just trust in God and that He will lighten this pain for me.

Please share if you'd like what your experiences are, because there is something therapeutic about telling a story to someone else, and perhaps in this way we can help each other.

Prayer:

Dear God
Please teach us how to live with the hurt and the pain of loosing somebody that we deeply cared for in this life and still rejoice always. In Jesus Name. Amen